As i ran slowly into the bush trying to catch my breathe, i saw Man and Brainbox discussing. “wetin mad man and person wey no mad go dey talk?” I asked myself.
I thought Man had Joined the Madness, so i took steps backwards, “Flow no run, we never mad” Man said, “how i go take know say una never mad? Mad man no dey gree say him don mad na” I replied still taking steps backwards.
The total darkness in the bush really frightened me, also the calmness in the bush almost made my spirit leave my body. I felt like running.
“Flow i never Mad, i just do that thing so we no go pay for the beer wey we drink” Brainbox said.
I was partially convinced he wasn’t mad, because Brainbox was capable of displaying such Con.
What fully convinced me was when Man said, “take ur cloth, wear am make we dey go house”. And Brainbox wore his clothes.
So Brainbox put up such a risky Con just for us not to pay for the beer we drank? Why must he poo on the floor? I was sure nemesis would catch up with him when the bar owner sees him in his right senses someday, or so i tot.
Brainbox!! The best 419er!!
“i no fit do dis tin wey dis mumu Brainbox do oh, just because say him want make we no pay for the beer wey we drink, Brainbox u no get shame oh, see as u open ur nyash dey s’hit for bar where everybody dey drink” was what i was saying in my mind as we walked out of the bush.
I was still very much at alert incase a nut in Brainbox’s big head loses, and he ran mad for real, i would be the first to flee.
I was also at alert for Brainbox not to walk close to me, incase his teeth was in search of what to bite, it wouldn’t be my body.
When we were much younger, we were told by our elder ones to always stay off Mad men, because if they bite us, we would join them in Madness. That believe had stuck.
“but Brainbox u get brain oh” Man complimented. “as i drink that Tea and Beer nahim make my brain think of how i go do wey we no go pay for the beer wey we drink” Brainbox said. “but guy make u no dey try that kin thing again oh, before people go tie you rope say u don mad” I said.
Apart from the fact that Brainbox drank Beer and Tea, he was capable of pulling such Con anytime anyday.
Sometimes i wondered if Brainbox had the same brain we all had, or God blessed him with uncountable amount of brains. Little wonder he had a mighty Coconut shaped head.
The way he thought outside every box dazzled me alot.
If there was a University of Con, and Brainbox was a student, he would sure graduate with a first class.
“Flow i no know say you be Taekwondo guy oh” Snoop said to me as we returned from work the Following day, “how you take know?” I asked Snoop. “i see your dobork inside ur bag na” Snoop replied.
Dobork is the Korean Terminology for Uniform a Taekwondo Martial artist wears to his/her Dojan.
Dojan is also a Korean Terminology for Training ground where Taekwondoist trains.
“wetin you find go my bag” I queried. “na when i dey find my boxers, but i don see am sha” Snoop replied. “na everytime ur boxers dey lost, na evertime person dey take ur boxers” I said to him.
“Flow so u be Taekwondo guy?” Snoop asked me. “yes na, i be Red belt” I responded. “me na Blue belt” Snoop said. “where be ur Dojan?” Snoop asked me. “na for Dan Anyam stadium, but no be everytime i dey go, my main Dojan na for Barracks for Lagos” I replied. “me my Dojan na for Old stadium wey dey for Tetlow” Snoop said.
“Flow make we go train this Saturday for my Dojan na, u go like am oh, e don tay wey i go train there sef” Snoop said. “no wahala, i go follow you go” I agreed only because Saturday wasn’t a day for Kponkpon.
My name was in the cooking Time-table for that evening.
I started cook with Brainbox coming from time to time to assist me with some chores.
It was vegetable soup.
Vegetable soup and Fresh Fish. A perfect blend.
I rinsed the fish and threw away the dirty water. The water had barely rested on the floor when i realized i had thrown it on the wrong place.
“aaaaaaah!!” I heard a voice screemed. “who pour me that water, aaaaah! Fish water” the voice cried. I recognised the voice as Kate’s. At first i thought of running, but i thought otherwise because that would be ungentleman like.
It instantly dawned on me that i had baptized Kate who was washing her clothes at the backyard with the fish water.
“am sorry, am very sorry” I pleaded as i hurriedly ran towards her. “i never saw you washing” I said taking off my T-shirt.
The fish water i poured on her mostly fell on her a”ss, because she bent down facing her a”ss towards the direction the water came from.
“don’t you have eyes? Are you blind?” she angrily spoke. “yes I am” I couldn’t tell when my mouth altered that. “atleast not blind enough to know that this isn’t the right place to throw dirty water” She said trying to rub off some particles from the fish water that stuck to her b’ombshot with her hand. “don’t worry lemme use my shirt to clean it” I offered.
I thought she would say no. She didn’t.
As i used my T-shirt to rub off the particles on her b’ombshot, my d!ckson arose.
What i was supposed to rub off within seconds took me ages.
The positioning was as if i was giving it to her from behind. Whoever passes would conclude that was what i was doing. But how would i had found nowhere convenient enough but outside? Even if we were dogs.
“are you not through?” She asked. “almost” I replied. “don’t worry lemme go take my bath and change my clothes” She said wanting to leave. I held her back saying, “there is this particle that refuse going out, lemme rub it off”. Mehn! The electricity her soft a”ss sent made me almost lose grip of the shirt i used to stroke her a”ss.
As i was almost through, i heard, “Flow welldone oh” Bigie said from behind. It seemed he never saw but just heard everything that transpired.
Both “video” and “audio” of what transpired read the same meaning. But if the video is zoomed in, it would read that what Bigie thought i was doing was’nt what i was actually doing. That we were having s”ex outside in broad daylight was what the audio read.
“Bigie no be wetin you dey think oh, i just dey clean her nyash for her” I replied Bigie.
“because you don become her Toilet paper wey dey clean s’hit comot for her nyash abi?” Bigie giggled.
I turned to see Kate hissed, eyeballed me and left. Rolling her fish water a”ss as she catwalked.
Next day after work.
“guys make we enter Ilya du Neked wire na, e don tay oh” Man suggested. “no wahala, make we go so i go see weda if i drink pammy my body go make sense, because e get as my body dey do me, e be like say i no well” Brainbox said.
We got to the joint to meet Bigie. “Baba you are so made in Jambraha” “may ur uku I uku never run of holy water” “even if holy water become the river Niger in your uku I uku, may it satisfy your okpeke, so that ur first son will never resemble ur landlord, to avoid to kowaciate super story” I vibrated as my golden falangis was shinning my karid brothers.
Lucky enough, the Chiefo of Ilya du Neked wire was present.
Chiefo is what Karid entities call their leader or head.
Karid entities are the Kegite community in a particular area. You don’t expect me to define a Kegite community na!
There is what is called vibration in Swahili in Kegite. The Chiefo vibrated more in Swahili. I partially understood his vibration. Albeit immediately he started addressing his members, we that weren’t members of that Ilya moved our tables a distance from them. But i could still hear what he was saying from where i sat.
From the little i understood, he was informing the entities that there would be a Libration soon. He also warned against Aka azu Libration.
Libration is a ceremony to introduce new members to the club.
Aka azu in Ibo language means Back of the hand literally. Back of the hand in the real sense means a thing that is done illegally.
So what the Chiefo actually warned against was Illegal Libration.
Why i so Loved Kegite club was because the vibration could be spicened up with our Native languages. For instance, what an Ibo Vibrater would call uku I uku, a Yoruba Vibrater would call it Ese I Ese. And what an Ibo Vibrater would call Kowaciate, that is Kowa+ciate, and Kowa means to “Talk about” in English, a Yoruba Vibrater would call it Sorociate. But no matter the geographical Vibration, the lingua franca still remains English Vibration.
As we continued drinking Holy water, Man vibrated in Hausa drawing attention to our Table.
I must confess, as Man vibrated in Hausa it sounded as if he was speaking in tongues. Brainbox stared in astonishment, because he was a non-entity in the presence of entities.
We had drank about 3litres each for the 3hours we spent there. But i still needed one for road, so i ordered for one.
As we walked home, Man continued Vibrating in Hausa to God knows who.
I was seeing “things”.
I was seeing so many spiritual things as i lagged behind.
My eyes saw everywhere as a road. Everywhere was a road to walk on.
My eyes met with this beautiful pedestrian way by my left. The pedestrian way looked transparent and fine.
“Nigeria don dey better oh, see as government do road wey people go dey waka, see as e fine well well” I said to myself.
“see my guys dey waka for where motor dey pass, them no know say motor fit jam them, abeg me i go waka for dis fine place wey Government do for us to waka” I said to myself and i strayed to the beautiful Pedestrain way walking majestically.
“gboooooooooodooom!!” I landed into a mighty gutter full of water.
Next day at work.
“make sure you mix the cement properly, the sun is too much, lemme go and rest” said Madam Ifeoma to Ochagbuorie. And she walked towards Old solja’s room.
We had gone far in the casting of the outside concrete. Some fell ill and recovered, others were to still fall ill.
“guy, if we finish work early today i go enter bank, i wan go put some of the money wey i don get from dis kponkpon work for my account” Brainbox informed. “we go go together, which bank you dey use?” I inquired, “na GTB” Brainbox replied. “i get account for GTB, we go go together after work” I said.
We worked for another 30minute, then nature called, and i had no choice but to answer, “Man which side you dey s’hit for bush sef? S’hit dey catch me” I said, “na for that place we dey near Old Solja backyard” Man replied, “hope say s’hit no plenty for ground for there oh?” I asked, “when you reach there you go know” Man responded.
Why i asked that question was because Man always went there to poo on daily basis, oweing to the fact that that was the only hidden part of the bushes around us. Sometimes Brainbox also went there to poo, Igbakwambo and Ochagbuorie also. I wondered why they loved to do a poo before the start of work, or was that their goodluck charm?
As for me, that day was my first day to make use of their “Water closet”. And i came to the conclusion that i would meet poo scattered everywhere. I made a decision in my mind that if i meet poo scattered everywhere, i would practise “s’hit on top s’hit” Theory.
When we were much younger in the barracks, “s’hit on top s’hit” was what we said to reffer to when one goes to the “Bolla”, and found no free space to poo on, the person would simply poo on another person’s dried poo.
Bolla was the name we called where refuse was dumped, and also the home of poo for the little children. Not that we had no toilet, but just that we the little children then preffered to make use of Bolla than Toilet, because Bolla was not only a place to poo but also a place to discuss. To discuss only God knows what.
S’hit on top s’hit was it because i found no free space, except i wanted passers by to view my ripe a”ss.
I tried to pretend i wasn’t percieving the stench the poo around me brought, because i knew i would leave there in a matter of minutes.
Suddenly i heard, “aaaah!! uuuuuuh!! Yes!! Yes!! uuuuuuuh!!” someone was m0an!ng. The sound came from Old solja’s room. I needed nobody to tell me that Madam Ifeoma was having s’ex with Old solja.
I tiptoed towards the open window without borthering to cover my n”akedness. Infact from my waist downwards was stark n”aked.
What i saw surprised me not. Madam Ifeoma was ridding on Old Solja like a bike, making an earthquaking noise. I felt as if i was the one she was ridding on as my d!ckson was practically piercing through the wall i stood close to.
After about 30minutes of watching the Movie, i left.
I promised myself i wouldn’t mention a word of what i saw to my friends. Only time would tell if i would keep to my promise.
Work closed early that day because Madam Ifeoma was in a hurry to go home. Maybe she needed to go home, relax and w”ank over the sweet s’ex she had with Old solja, or so i tot.
When we got home, we quickly took our bath, then I and Brainbox were off to Guarantee Trust Bank to deposit our little Kponkpon savings.
What we never knew was that Guarantee Trust Bank would guarantee that one of us would deny the other.
Just as Peter denied Jesus Christ three times before the C’ock crowed, so did Flow deny Brainbox three times before the bank closed.