We walked home after the near death of Baba jay.
Baba jay was struggling to walk. He looked as “handsome” as a bird that fell into a bucket of water.
“na your money wey remain be dis” i offered Baba jay the 600naira left of his kponkpon money. “where the rest na?” Baba jay asked. “omoh, some of ur money don swim go oh, maybe dem the fish wey dey the river go use the money buy something wey dem go chop dis night” I replied.
Brainbox winked at me and i winked back. My winking meant i would later ask him for my share of the money he caught.
As we got to our compound’s gate, we met Tega discussing with Tupac.
“guy, i don go beg Haruna oh, but him no wan hear me. Him say na untill all of us come beg am together nahim him go forgive us” Tega said.
“I no dey go anywhere, that Northerner no fit do anything abeg” Brainbox said.
What Brainbox said provoked anger in me, and i said, “if u talk that thing again i go blow ur mouth, you dey mad? We dey talk how we go beg person wey we chop him fowl, u dey talk r”ubbish”.
“u dey mad, na ur Papa dey talk r”ubbish” Brainbox insulted.
I was raging with anger. Water was boiling in my chest.
“Na my Papa u dey curse? Na my Papa u dey curse?” I let out a hot blow to Brainbox’s jaw.
“na me u blow?” He held his jaw.
He suddenly dashed towards me to attack me, but he was held by Man and Tega.
“Flow you blow me because i say i no go follow una go Haruna place? Flow u go see wetin i go do u? Make una come carry me go beg na?” Brainbox said and walked out.
I knew even if Man and Tega hadn’t held Brainbox, he wouldn’t still be able to fight me. because the Brainy Brainbox wasn’t Brainy when it comes to fighting. But Flow was.
“Flow na me u blow abi? I go show you” Brainbox threatened from a distance.
“wetin u fit do me? U no fit do anything abeg” I replied.
“him fit do u so many things oh” my mind told me.
True talk! There were a hundred and one dangerous things Brainbox could do to me.
Things like adding excess salt to my food. Like adding sugar to my beans. Like pouring Kerosene into my bath water at night. He had done all these evil act to me when we were at Umunkoto. Even more.
Taking trouble to Brainbox was like taking Coal to Newscastle. He had trouble as his concubine, and he gives it to whoever wanted it just for the asking.
At that moment, a song came to my mind. The song of the late Fela, “when cat sleep, rat dey go bite him tail, wetin him dey find?…………. WAHALA e dey find, WAHALA e go get oooh”. I was sure i would get Wahala from Brainbox, what i prayed for was a mild Wahala.
“make una go beg Brainbox oh, Haruna say na all of us wey thief him Fowl nahim go beg am oh. Him say if one person no come, all of us go run mad by tomorrow morning” Tega said. “no worry make i go beg am, him go follow us, no worry” Man said and walked out.
“what of Bigie na?” Baba jay asked. “na since morning wey Police come ask us some question, na since after then i no see am till now” Tega said. “him go Ilya du Neked wire joint go drink pammy, him go soon come” Tupac assured.
“ehen Police wey come today say make everybody wey dey dis compound no comot for the compound tomorrow, say dem dey come ask us some questions” Tega informed.
“we don enter Police case oh” I tot.
Wel, like the slogan goes: “Police is your friend”.
What i never knew was that a wierd friendship would soon spark up between one of us and one of the Police Officers.
We pleaded with Haruna, including Brainbox of course. With Man speaking Hausa to Haruna, it was not as difficult as i expected.
Haruna forgave us and threw away the fetish blood stained feather. Only God knew if the feathers were actually fetish, or Haruna just wanted to scare us with the feather and the Babalawo story.
That night we went to Paapa’s place to take a stick or two.
I slept like a Baby that night, Maybe it was because of the weed i smoked.
And i woke up late.
The next morning as we sat under the Mango tree massively brushing our teeth, a beautiful lady walked towards us.
“pls am looking for Chinonso?” the lady said.
I mistakenly took a glimpse at her cat-like eyes, and it instantly blurred my vission.
“who be Chinonso?” Brainbox asked Bigie, “i no know oh, Flow na ur Ibo name be Chinonso?” Bigie asked me.
“no oh” I replied. “pls they is no one by that name here” I said to the cat eyes lady.
At that moment Man walked towards us, “there he is” the cat eyes lady said pointing at Man.
Damn!! I had forgotten that Man was Chinonso. Brother Chinonso.
The beauty to behold was putting on a dress that shone like the petals of a forget-me-not.
But not as shiny as her skin.
I was wondering how a guy as u’gly or rather not too fine as Man could have a beauty queen as a sister, so i mistakenly said, “Man u sure say na ur sister be dis?”. “no, no be my sister, na ur sister” Man replied me. “how she go be my sister, wey i wan marry her? Abi person dey marry him own sister?” I said and i saw the cat eyes lady smiled in response.
“Flow, so u wan marry my sister, but u no get money na” Man replied.
He should thank his stars he didn’t mention that i was a kpokponist by profession.
She introduced herself as Chiwendu or Sophia. I preffered Sophia.
She also told us that she was a 100level student of FUTO. “Man your junior sister don enter sch, you dey here dey do kponkpon” I almost said.
Man and her younger sister were speaking Hausa as if they were Hausas. Only God knew what she was telling him.
That was one thing i envied Man for. He could speak Hausa. In his phone conversations sometimes he would switch from Ibo to Hausa, to English, to Pidgin English.
As Man and his sister walked into the room, i saw three Police officers entering the compound.
Two Male officers and a Female officer.
“Where were you all on the night of Chief Ogbonna’s murder?” A male Officer asked us. I saw from his name tag that his name was Officer Tunde.
“we were at home, all of us” I replied.
“so since u were all at home, what happened between 2300hours and 1am” Another Officer asked. From his name tag, i saw that his name was a tongue twister. His name had more consonants than vowels. According to what i saw, his name was Ejunykpokpo, sounded like “Enjoying kponkpon”. Because the name sounded funny, i smiled.
“why are u smiling, do u think we are here for joke?” the Female officer yelled at me.
“no Aunty Officer, naso my face dey. If i no dey smile, e go be like say i dey smile” I replied.
Her name wasn’t Aunty Officer, but Aunty Officer Bimpe, sorry, Officer Bimpe(miss) according to her name tag. That meant she wasn’t married. “who go marry you sef, u think say any Ibo boy go marry O”femmanu girl like you?” I mistakenly said with a low voice, like i whispered it loud enough for my friends seating close to me to hear and not loud enough for the Officers to hear. It was a slip of tongue. So my friends laughed.
“what did u say?” Officer Bimpe yelled at me and stood up. She even brought out koboko. Koboko a.k.a horse whip a.k.a chop and clean mouth.
“so na me u wan flog koboko, dem no born you well make you flog me” I couldn’t say that.
“i say what did u say” she yelled raising her hand as if she wanted to flog me.
Though she had not flogged me yet, but in the spiritual realm she had already flogged me and i could feel the “tingling senstation” of the pain in my back.
So in other for the spiritual not to turn physical, i instantly switch on my “lie clock” to figure out the best lie to say. TIC………..TOCK, TIC……….TOCK, went my lie clock. Finally the clock stopped at about 1759hours.
“i said you are a very beautiful woman and you will make a good wife” I answered.
“i tot u said something else” Officer Bimbe said and sat down. “that is what he said” my guys defended me.
“so naso woman for flog me koboko, God forbid!” i tot.
“now what happened between 2300hours and 1am” Officer Enjoying Kpokpon or rather Ejunykpokpo asked.
Tega started explaining with a mind blowing grammer.
With words that could run one’s stomach.
Mehn! Tega could speak. A grammarian indeed if i must say. That kin Yanky English.