Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 17

6 years ago

“GGuy no be today we go go dat Nekede Exclusive garden, na tomorrow, i wan go fill JAMB form” Man said the next morning after morning devotion. “me sef dey comot, i dey enter IMSU, the course wey i get spill over na today them dey do the test” I said.

I came back from school at about 2pm and met a full house save Pkc. “where Pkc go na?” I asked, “u dey ask M’umu question, shey you no know where him dey dey? na Church na” Snoop replied. “food dey house?” I asked, “no food oh” Man responded.

As we sat under the Mango tree munching unripe P-square, then came Bigie. The Notorious BIG.

“dis one wey una dey chop P-square wey no ripe, food no dey una house?” Bigie asked, “food no dey house oh” the revenous Baba jay responded.

“guys i get one good idea oh, make we catch some of dis Haruna fowl cook chop na, him no dey house oh” Notorious BIG suggested. Good idea indeed.

I never bought the idea, but what was i to do? An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, they say.

We bagan to chase the fowls around the compound. I knew it wouldn’t be a wild Goose chase.

Bigie caught a hen that was as f’at as himself, he handed it over to me, and i tranfered it to a big drum. Next, Brainbox caught a c’ock, he handed it over to me and i tranfered it to the big drum. At the end of the chase that lasted for about an hour, we caught 4hens and 2c’ocks.

Althrough while we were chasing the fowls, Daniel and David were watching us keenly. I was wondering what they would be saying in their minds, maybe they would be saying, “these men are thieves, i don’t want to be like them when i grow up”. Same thing i said when i was their age, i said i wouldn’t smoke but i turned out to be a Lord of smoke, i said i wouldn’t womanize but i turned out having s’ex with a woman old enough to be my mum. My next s’ex escapade might be with a woman old enough to be my grandmum, or so i tot.

We fetched firewood, made fire outside, and we started preparing chicken pepper soup.

Since Haruna had almost a hundred fowls, he would hardly notice we stole six fowls, just six fowls, or so i tot.

Snoop bought three bottles of Baron de vale wine for us to use to send home the chicken pepper soup. How thoughtful of Snoop. But where did he get the money for the drinks? I was sure he didn’t steal it because non of my roomates were thieves, i could confidently say that, or so i tot.

The chicken pepper soup was ready within an hour.

Man was the first to munch his share of the meat, as he took the first big bite, David and Daniel cheered, “Man wey dey reason!!”. “eeeeeh! Children Children” Man said to them.

“make we come chop?” Daniel and David chorused. “i resemble una Papa? Abeg make una go read una book” Man replied them.

The two kids walked away, and as they were a bit far, they shouted, “Man wey dey thief Fowl” and they ran.

Daniel and David got close to their house, stopped abruptly, and yelled, “Man wey dey thief fowl”. Man looked at them and smiled. But when they yelled, “Brainbox wey dey thief fowl”, Brainbox stood up and chased them. They ran into thier house and locked the door.

I quickly took some chunks of meat from Brainbox’s plate of chicken pepper soup.

As i turned to see if Brainbox was coming, i saw him doing something else.

He was “Flatscreening”. He was peeping through the window of Mama and Papa Ejima’s bathroom, viewing Mama Ejima as she was taking her bath.

The “left” side of my mind told me to go join him, while the “right” side of my mind warned me against going. “go watch free b’lue film na” the left side of my mind suggested, “no go oh, what of if Papa Ejima come back, u know say na by dis time him dey come back” the right side of my mind warned. “shebi if him dey come, u go hear him motor noise, go jor” the left side of my mind told me.

I fought the temptation fiercely. I won the battle

Even though i had a crush on Mama Ejima.

It seemed Brainbox was watching Part 1 and Part 2 of the B’lue film, because he was taking so long. Not knowing the B’lue film he was watching on “flatscreen” would soon turn horror film.

Papa Ejima arrived without his car. And Brother Brainbox was still peeping Mama Ejima.

I felt like shouting, “Brainbox comot there!!!” but everything happened too sudden. Morealso, Papa Ejima was walking very fast. With every step Papa Ejima took, i wept for Brainbox.

“what are u doing standing close to my Bathroom window?” Papa Ejima queried, “eeehnnnn! ehnnn! Na Lizard i dey pursue, ehnnn! ehnn! the Lizard don enter ur bathroom” Brainbox stammered.

Papa Ejima noticed his wife was in the bathroom, he said, “so u are peeping my wife as she is taking her bath ehnnnn?” Papa Ejima grabbed Brainbox’s shirt, i could see Papa Ejima’s face spelt fury, “ehnnnnn I no look ur wife oh, i close my eye when i dey pursue the Lizard, so i no see anything” Brainbox cried out.

Once a boxer, always a boxer.

Papa Ejima clinged his fist and landed a punch to Brainbox’s chest. The punch was as heavy as the punch of Mike Tyson and Evander Hollifield put together.

Brainbox fell to the ground convulsing, with a foamy substance coming out of his mouth.

We all came closer to meet Brainbox shaking like a Jelly fish on the ground. “u don kill am oh” Man said, “na because him dey look ur wife wey dey baf” Snoop said, “na only u get wife wey fine?” Bigie said.

As they were all raining abuses on Papa Ejima, i couldn’t find my speech, “so na like dis Brainbox my guy take go? My guy! My man! My nigga! My pardy” I was lost in my tots.
At that moment, Mama Ejima came out with a towel covering her body. She came to meet the u’gly scene.

Tears came running down my cheek for the first time in a long while.

“make we rush am go hospital, where ur motor na?” Man queried Papa Ejima. “my car is with the mechanic, that is why i came home on foot” Papa Ejima replied. Papa Ejima was fidgety, i saw “Fear” written all over him. “since the hospital no far, make i carry am for my shoulder na” Snoop suggested f’oolishly, but i wouldn’t blame him, he just wanted to save a dying friend.

“make una put am for my motor, make we carry am go hospital before him go die” Haruna who just drove in offered. They all managed to enter the car except Me and Baba jay. I just couldn’t go with them, because my whole body was stiff. I couldn’t move.

As Haruna’s car zoomed off, i couldn’t help but cried. They say; “Big boys don’t cry”, but not when the Big boy’s best friend was about dying.
“Flow, i don comot for house oh, i no want make police come arrest me say i dey here when them Kill Brainbox oh” Baba jay said to me as i was lying on the bed. “haba!! Baba jay why u dey yan like dis, Brainbox never die na” I replied, “i don tell u my own, i don comot for house” Baba jay said and left the room.

Like they say; “A friend in need is a friend indeed”, i couldn’t imagine myself saying what Baba jay said. How could i leave when Brainbox needed me the most? Well, Baba jay lived like an island, he cared about no one but himself, when he was actually living at the mercies of the rest of us.

“if Police like make them come, i ready to go police station because of my guy Brainbox” i tot.

I could even take a bullet for Brainbox, or so i tot.

As i lay on the bed, sleep came and i slept off. I had a horrible dream, “Flow!! Help me, help me!!” Brainbox cried out for help as we were swimming in Otammiri river. I swam so fast combining butterfly stroke and back stroke, still i couldn’t get to Brainbox fast enough. The water current was moving fast, and Brainbox was trying his best to swim, but he couldn’t because the current was against him, “Brainbox!! try swim na!!” I shouted, “Flow i no sabi swim na” Brainbox cried. The water current was carrying him gradually, gradually, and gone. Brainbox was gone. Otammiri had carried him.

“Brainbox!! Brainbox!! Brainbox!!” i shouted at the top of my voice.

I was brought back to reality from dreamland by the ringing of my phone. I recieved the call from my Mum, she just wanted to know how i fared.

“which kin dream be dis? Me wey no sabi swim, na me com dey wan help Brainbox wey sabi swim, wetin dis dream mean na?” I pondered.

I could suddenly feel that my bladder was full, and about to burst. It was as if i drank the whole water in Otammiri River in my dream.

As i stood up to go ease myself in the toilet, i heard, “Gbaaam!! Gbaaaam! Gbaaaaam!! Open dis door!!” someone was knocking hard on the door, “walahi if u no open dis door ehnnn?” i realized it was Haruna.

“wetin Haruna want na? Abi him wan tell me say Brainbox don die?” the tot of this sent goose pimples all over my body.

I wanted to go ease myself first before i get the door, but as he continued knocking hard, i had no choice but to get the door.

The first thing i saw as i opened the door was a curved dagger.

“u see dis dagger? Nahim i go use kill all of una wey chop my fowl, as una take cut my fowl neck naso i go cut una neck, after i kill una finish i go use una do suya” Haruna threatened with a stony face.

As i saw the glittering dagger coming close to me, i caught instant cold.

Before i knew it, urine had started flowing out of my p”enis. I had peed on my trousers.

“i dey come back for una” Haruna said bringing the dagger close to my stomach, very close. I tot he wanted to stab me, so the speed at which urine gushed out of my p”enis increased, and it gushed as fast as water gushing from a tap.

Haruna left me in a pool of my urine. The whole room was flooded, not with water but with urine.
The next day, Brainbox was discharged from the hospital.

“e get as dis house dey smell since yesterday oh” Man said. “na true talk oh” Snoop added.

“maybe na dat dustbin wey dey outside” I said. “no be dustbin jor, the thing dey smell like piss, abi person piss for our rug?” Man inquired. “maybe na Daniel and David” I said.

At that moment, Bigie came in, “Bigie where tupac na?” Man asked, “him go gym for Tony side” Bigie replied, “ehenn! Make we go gym na, e don tay wey i gym sef” Man said. “who be Tony?” I intentionally asked knowing what would be Man’s response, “when we reach there, you go see am” He replied.

“i go follow una go gym oh” Brainbox said. “ehnnn! U wan die? e be like say life no dey sweat you again? U just dey come back from hospital because of blow wey Papa Ejima blow you for chest, u wan com follow us go gym” I said.

I, Man, Bigie and Snoop were off to Tony’s place, which was the next compound.

We got to the shanty looking hostel and we walked straight to the backyard, where the gym was.

Tony’s gym was equiped with two barbells and four dumb-bells.

We met Tupac alone working out. He wasn’t only working out, he “garnished” it with igboh.

My oh my!! How i loved working out and smoking at the same time. It reminded me of a place called “Sokoto”. Sokoto was a bush path in the barracks where we gathered every evening to smoke weed. And at the back of Sokoto was a local gym constructed by a member of Sokoto.

I was displaying the stuff i was made of. I was displaying my “gyming skill”, when a guy came, “whooooooooo beeeeee this?” I tot he was singing, “Tuuuuuupaaaac, i saaaaaaay whoooo beee this?” He said stamping his foot on the ground, i tot he was dancing.

He wasn’t Singing, neither was he dancing. He was a heavy stammerer. And his name was “Toooooony”. My bad! Tony.

“na my guy be dis, him name na Flow” Tupac introduced me to Tony. “ooooookay, Flooooooow hoooow far?” Tony said giving me a handshake.

Mehn! Tony was going through Hell as a stammerer. Although, stamping his foot on the floor seemed like he was dancing “Atilogu”, he did so to ease the stammering.

Since i was born, i had never seen such a stammerer. His stammering sounded more like rap music. Hard core rap music.

Since we were smoking and at the same time working out, we never saw Time flew.

Darkness came gradually, and soon it was night.

After working out and smoking, what comes to mind? Food! Food! and Food!

It was Baba jay’s turn to cook, so we got home to meet a delicious Okro soup.

It was my turn to lie on the floor that night.

That night i called Florence. I had earlier told her on phone that i would give her a mid night call. because it was free. She bought the idea anyways.

I was lying on the floor “Jejely” making my call and using sweat words to woo Florence, when i heard a thundering b”ang on our door. I stood up to see who was the f’ool b”anging at our door at such an unholy hour.

It was no f”ool, it was the Wise ones.

The gentlemen in black.

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Story: Man Wey Dey Reason - Season 1 Episode 18

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