I put on my red T-shirt that had the picture of Tupac Amaru Shakur in front, and at the back was written: “picture me rolling”.
The same T-shirt Tupac had pleaded for me to sell to him and i refused because i loved it so much.
If only i knew my love for that T-shirt would soon turn hate, i wouldn’t have worn it.
Ekonunwa market lies in the heart of the capital of the “eastern heartland”. One thing i liked about the market was that; it was a combined market, where you could get foodstuff, fruits, cosmetics, clothes, phones and the likes. But what i never liked about the market was that; it was too crowded, and also mad men and women could be found roaming.
We had finished the herculean task of purchasing all the things we wrote down, when, “Flow we never buy meat, wait here dey watch all dis things make i go buy meat come” Brainbox said and walked away.
Was he on a L101 mission to steal meat? He dared not, unless he wanted the butchers to cut off his hands and sold it alongside beef.
I was standing on my own “JeJely”, minding my business and watching over our purchase. When from nowhere a wierd looking m’ad man came walking to my direction. As he came walking hastily towards me, i felt like running because i never liked a m’ad person coming close to me.
“how i go run leave all this things wey we buy” i tot.
He came closer and closer.
The odour that emanated from him was a combination of rotten egg and s’kunk. He came even closer, as i could hear he was muttering something.
And he hugged me.
For the 10seconds or so the hug lasted, i closed my eyes and saw myself in outer space. The market women around were laughing their f’at a’sses out, making me almost cry.
The m’ad man let go of me after saying “my brother!!”. “who be ur brother? God forbid!! no be me be ur brother” i tot. He danced a funny dance and left.
I had concluded i would sell the T-shirt i wore to Tupac because the m’ad man left an indelible odour on it.
The market women continued laughing like i was some “stand up comedian” entertaining them with jokes. At that moment, i felt like walking up to them and giving them a dirty slap each.
30minutes after the “m’ad man palaver” Brainbox came saying, “no vex say i waste time oh, i buy tomatoes and them grind am for me, nahim make me waste time”.
“no wahala, make we dey go house” i replied.
I just wished i could disappear from the market and appear at home.
As we got to the gate of our compound, i saw Tupac, “Tupac, i wan finally sell this T-shirt for you oh, how much u go buy am?” i said, “ehn, ehn, i go buy am 1k” he replied. “but i tell u say na 3k i buy am na, u wan com buy am 1k” i said “ehn ehn ok bring the 1k” i said removing the T-shirt instantly.
“Flow!! This one wey u no wear shirt, any wahala?” Snoop asked as we entered the room. “no wahala oh, heat dey catch me” i told a lie.
“hello!! Flow” A female voice greeted me, i turned and saw Lydia, Lydia the t’omboy. “hi!!” i responded to her greeting. She was so “skinny” that i never noticed her presence initially. “this one wey dis Tega babe dey greet me like dis ehn? For everybody wey dey dis room, na me she see to greet, make the greeting no mean another thing oh” i tot.
“Lydia will cook Egusi soup for us” Pkc said after few minutes, “no problem” Lydia replied, “and if u need assistance, Flow will always be handy” Pkc told Lydia. “but why me na?” i tot. Since Pkc brought me to that house, his wish was my command.
I and Lydia was in the kitchen.
She was doing the actual cooking while i was helping out with some chores like; slicing the vegetable, and choping the onion.
If i must say, Lydia was a good cook, because she cooked with so much dexterity.
From time to time, she stared at me giving me a bright smile. I smiled back anyways.
I never knew her smile would result to us not eating the Egusi soup she was cooking. Egusi soup that had already created a cloud of Aroma in the room and beyond.
The soup was still cooking, it was almost done. So i was pouring water into the big pot we used to boil water for Eba.
I bent down pouring the water with my a’ss facing Lydia, i couldn’t tell what attracted her to my a’ss.
She came close and f’ondled my a’ss.
Mehn!! She scared the living daylight off me. I tot a rat was walking on my a’ss.
I jumped up dancing “Micheal Jackson break dance”, and mistakenly my right leg landed into the hot soup.
Not only that, the pot of soup poured on the floor.
Not only that, Brainbox came from nowhere, he picked up almost all the pieces of meat and ran.
I cried bitterly, not because Brainbox took all the meat, but because my right leg was in pain.
“Flow wetin make u dey waka like dis na?” Bigie asked as i came to join them seating under the Mango tree the next day after church. “i hit my leg for stone as i dey waka” i lied.
We were discussing football, from football we started discussing women. Man was narrating to us how he slept with a traditional ruler’s daughter in the North, and how he almost lost his hands to Sharia because of that singular act. He said, “mehn!! i enjoy the f”uck wey i f”uck the girl no be small, Northern girls dey sweat oh”.
All of a sudden Pkc and MOG appeared in front of us like two angels. I never saw them coming
“i say i enjoy the f”uck no be small” Man was still shouting at the top of his voice. He was carried away by the f”uck story he was narrating that he barely saw PKC and MOG. I tapped him lightly, and on noticing their presence, the f”uck story changed to another story.
“i say i enjoy the church no be small, i enjoy the church today no be small, abi Flow u no enjoy the church today?” Man wey dey reason!! Always trying to cover up his sins. “i enjoy am na” I helped him out. It was of no use because PKC and MOG already heard his f”uck story.
“Man wey dey reason!! Must u cover up ur sins?” Pkc said, “all have sinned and come short of the Glory of God, but must you sin such sin?” MOG added. “pls change ur ways oh” Pkc said.
“ok Man, u will join us to preach the Gospel in Hostels” Pkc said, “and Flow will also join us, because we need two persons, one person will go with Pkc and the other person will go with me” MOG added.
But why always me? “abi my name dey sweat for mouth to talk? E be like say i go change my name oh” i tot.
“it is a mandate from our Pastor to go win the souls of students to Christ, and also invite them to Church” Pkc informed, “we have selected u guys as our Brethen to join us in this Divine mandate” MOG added. “ok, lets go sir” Man found his lost voice. “no, u guys can’t go dis way, u have to go inside and change into something more decent” MOG said.
As I and Man reluctantly left to change, i heard Pkc said, “change into a decent cloth, and make sure you tuck in ur shirt”.
“ordinary to follow una go preach nahim i go dey tuck in, shey i be Pastor?” i tot.
I never knew that was the day i would be ordained as a temporary Pastor.
I never knew i would see the good, the bad, and the “worwor”.
“ehn, we will call you by ur real names for the purpose of this assignment, so ur name is Brother Ugo, while u will be known as Brother Chinonso” Pkc was reffering to I and Man. That was my first day of hearing Man’s real name. Chinonso!! What an innocent name for a s’turborn boy.
“Brother Chinonso you will be going with Pkc, while Brother Ugo will be with me” MOG said. “u guys will be going to South Africa while we will be going to Umunkoto” Pkc added.
After about 10minutes of walking, we pathed. So Pkc and Man or rather Brother Chinonso were to preach in hostels at Umunkoto, while MOG and Brother Ugo was to preach in some hostels at South Africa. The dreaded South Africa.
The name South Africa could not be likened to the Southern African Nation where Nelson Mandela hails. Only God knows how the name came to be. But one thing i knew about South Africa was that; as “Bishop’s cot” was to IMSU, so was South Africa to Poly Nekede. They were both home for cultist. Or better still “cultist paradise”.
We entered a hostel, and i knocked at the first room by the left. A female voice responded and told us to come in. I thanked my stars it wasn’t a male room, because i was scared of South African boys.
We met four ladies inside. The ladies were all 1/2 n”aked, one of them was putting on a b’ombshot that if i said she was 3/4 n”aked, i would be saying nothing but the truth. As MOG preached to them, i listened keenly because maybe i might be the next to preach, just maybe.
I tried to look away from the fresh l’aps the ladies were exposing to me, but the more i tried to resist temptation, the more temptation stares me in the face. I looked left, “fresh l’aps”, i looked right, “fresh l’aps”. So i looked up.
“Devil get behind me” i was praying in my mind, with my eyes still up. The “devils” didn’t get behind me but was still in front of me with their fresh l’aps glowing to my eyes. Oh!! How i wished my “Chairman” would respect himself, how i wished it wouldn’t respond to stimuli.
It responded to stimuli and stood at attention, forming an Atlas mountain that Everyone in the room could see. Woe betide me if any of the Ladies saw my Chairman at attention, so in other to cover it from them, i made use of my Bible. I opened my Bible, placed it on top of my Chairman and pretended i was studying the word of God. Lord have mercy on Brother Ugo, Have mercy.
Was MOG not a man with Chairman like me? Wasn’t he seeing the fresh l’aps? When a Man becomes a Pastor, his S’exual urge dies, or so i tot
MOG finished preaching and it was time to go, yet my Chairman refused to go down.
“lemme go ease myself outside” I said, and I stood up, hurriedly made for the door, within split seconds, i was outside. Never to return.
That was my “Good” experience as a temporary Pastor. What awaited me was the “Bad” and the “Worwor” experience.
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