The sobs that threatened to wreck my heart into a million pieces like a broken mirror resorted into streams of rivulets and beads of sorrow that silently made their way down my cheeks. Memories were breaking me, refusing to patch broken dreams and hopes but mostly I felt betrayed by fate for weaving me a different path from which I had always anticipated; thus a life with Ben beside me. As painful as the lane of memories seemed so hard to revisit, that past is what made me feel so remorseful to revisit the palm of time. If only I had the audacity to erase that moment from existence, I could do so without hesitation and doubt. A single act in life, coated with glittery goodies landed me on the bottom ladder. All these years, I lived in the shadows of my past, frightened and haunted by loneliness, rejection and a-not-so-understanding society that raised eyebrows at my staying alone.They were the same unseen forces that pushed me into the shackles of his arms. Why had i trusted my fellow human being with my heart?
I didn’t want him in my life but love paid me a surprise visit and i wallowed in it head, now it was drowning me. a sharp sword of betrayal and rejection, managed to pierce my heart and came out on the other side oozing blood. one feels empty and useless when he is told ‘its over’ because you know that you contributed to the survival of the relationship as much as the other person did yet those two bitter words make you feel like you did nothing to show and appreciate the love. a total failure.
i cried loudly as if i had been bereaved,attracting the unwanted attention of my next door landlady and her husband. my kingdom had fallen and there was nothing that could be done to bring it back. my hands were behind my head, wailing my heart out those who are fans of Nigerian movies will have a clear picture of what am talking about. she asked me what the matter was, i handed her my phone and she read the message that has brought doom to my existence and robbed it of its unique meaning. Ben was my everything, i have never loved my fellow human being the way i had. it wasn’t about the money or the looks but he had filled my heart to the brim with so much love it blinded me such that i didnt see the realities of life on the ground.
” keep calm,there is more to life than getting ditched” the husband hitched in. i was sure he had been drinking that sacheted liquor which make people deliberately attract the disease of madness evidently from his slurred voice and sleepy red eyes. really he had a nerve! how does one talk like that when someone is mourning? somethings are better left unsaid but these people didn’t know that i had just lost the reason for my existence. sometimes life is not fair, why was i always attracting the unpredictable circumstances to my life? how does one restart life after that shattering like of an earthquake or tsunami? i wished for death to claim me..ooh that sweet, pain free and comforting oblivion.
i had seen it coming but had ignored all the premonitions. why hadn’t i said something when the other day he had been instructing his driver on the phone to pick someone up and he had mentioned the name, it was a she but i had been too much of a lady to ask. it just never crossed my mind why of late during his off days twice a week he never bothered to come to my place all call me over to spend the time together as he used to? ladies we all see it coming bit by bit but the thought of knowing and realizing the truth sooner or later send us on the verge of collapse. sometimes its good to be inquisitive its not like you are snooping on your man but taking time to analyze your relationship status could prevent an incoming heart break. imagine how knowing about a girl your man has got himself seriously flirting with could give you a chance to stop it before they become serious and replace you in a brink of an eye? always take your guard.
* * * * * *
A week had gone and one morning i had to force myself out of bed after a sleepless night full of contradicting dreams, at one time i was shouting for Ben not to leave me by myself, holding his hand until he slipped away and disappeared into thin air. another one i was with him, laughing and chasing each other playing like we used to and i woke up with a smile on my face. will he come back or he is gone for good? some dreams though uhmm. i didn’t know. i had to attend final rehearsals for a biblical play for my former school drama club which was to be staged on that day’s night. the Director had to shout at me several times when i kept on forgetting my lines, it was a nightmare when everyone was looking at me whenever my turn came. i had to force myself to concentrate until we finished rehearsing. i went outside to freshen up and one of the boys who i had befriended rushed after me. he was a nice person almost my age and was as close to me as Emma and Norah were.
” what is wrong with you hard-head” he asked me because i had been avoiding his gaze through the whole session.
” naah am okay just tired i guess” i replied forcing a smile.
” you can not lie to me, you have been quite and distant what is wrong with you. do i have to force you to say it maybe with a whip but am not your father thank you very much. i don’t know how i can put up with that sulking” I laughed at that. he always wanted to play big brother to me but i wasn’t ready to tell him about the problem besides not even Emma and Norah knew anything. i had built my own cocoon and wasn’t ready to shed it off.
He left to buy us cold drinks and i was grateful for it was a contrast to the heat i was feeling and these days my heart seemed to have tken an extra pace of its own.
we talked about the play and listened as he lamented about his girlfriend who he always complained that she was childish and inconsiderate to keep on demanding money from him as if he was working. my mind was drifting on and off until he couldn’t take it anymore. he begged me to tell him what was wrong and if there was something he could do about it.
“Ben left me” i blurted it out and sobs accompanied it. i felt so embarrased to have chased away such a fine man.he was mouth agape, for to him we were the perfect example of a happy couple and break up was the least he expected to happen to us. he always said we would get married fill our house with a thousand kids and grow old together in a cottage built along the lake shore back in my village. but fate had its own way of handling issues especially when it came to matters of the heart.
he offered me tissue and out of courtesy he said i will be okay without him. but how?
when the play started, i couldn’t stop gazing at the incoming crowd,to see if i could spot Ben’s face. i had bought him a ticket and he promised to come but of course it was before the break. i carried on an excellent performance to the surprise of the team and it was a happy moment when after the performance we had a loud applause from the audience. tears trickled down my cheeks,i was the only one feeling so sad.
they dropped each one of us at our homes for it was close to Midnight. i felt so lonely because i was used to receive his calls and talk for hours almost every day. the urge to pick my phone and call him was too much but i had to save myself from the embarrassment of his scorns.
when i was laying on my bed gazing at the roof, with tears rolling down my cheeks even absent mindedly and seeing his face, its when it dawned on me that my mensturating days were long gone without me noticing or was it because i had so much engrossed myself in grief and sadness that i had forgotten my own body? things couldnt get any worse ………..