my dam of defense came tumbling down from the flood of emotions that were running. I broke down and told Ben about the rape. he didn’t say a word through out but listened. he didn’t give away his emotions to show me what he thought. my heart was breaking at every word I was uttering. it was like venom was coming out of me sip by sip. I cried for my innocence. for a long time I had been blaming and hating myself for bringing the trouble on myself. maybe I had encouraged him to do that to me. if my body had not been so much revealing to him he couldn’t have raped me.
“am sorry I didn’t know you had passed through that.why didn’t you to tell me all along? ” he was pacing in the room, guilt written all over his face.
“I wasn’t sure how you would take it” sometimes trust issues take a toll on you when you least expect. there is nothing that hurts when you are accused of something you haven’t done. that is pure murder.
“I will stand by your side no matter what but please you have to trust me with your issues. if you and me are to spend our lives together and make this work there is supposed to be no secrets between us “. wow that completely took me off guard, I wasn’t prepared for such sweetness. he took me in his arms and I cried my heart out. basking in the warmth of his love and care. I couldn’t ask for another man. if I had any doubts and reservations about his love for me,it vanished in the thin air and in its place came the need to show this man my adoration by being loyal and dedicated to this relationship.
* * *
my plans to the village sprang back to life. I took a holiday from work and had to convince a reluctant Ben that I would be back in three weeks time. I had to sort myself out. I don’t know if my parents still thought of me alive or they mourned my death and buried an empty grave.
when I left, I didn’t know when I would be back because I only had a yearning to see my mum again. am sure she would never let me out of her sight ever again but I was a big girl and capable of making my own decisions even in a matter of life and death kkkkk.it felt like I had gone to hell and back, even the devil himself ceased to frighten me.
I arrived in the afternoon. my parents had all gone to church and I only found my young sister Mary who had grown up tremendously. how time flies! she cried when she saw me and we embraced for a long time. she filled me with all the village gossip. my childhood best friend eloped with her cousin who lived in south Africa .I learnt with sadness that my paternal grandmother died after a long illness am sure it was old age but Mary said there had been wrangles over farm land with her neighbor and the following day its when she had died. in anger my father had gone to the neighbor and beat him together with his wife and demolished their mud house. he had spent two months in a police cell.I always knew that his temper would land him in trouble. he never kept it in check and many a times he fought with his friends uhm at his age ?shame.
later my parents came and we had a sweet reunion. they thought I had got lost in the glitters of the city and just prayed for God to keep me in one piece.yeah I was grateful for being alive, well and kicking when death had triumphed over most of my peers. some in early child birth others who never learnt to close their legs,succumbed to sexually transmitted diseases .it was so sad I thought because some girls are innocent like me but get raped and infected becoming victims of circumstances. sometimes I think God has created a special horrible hell pit for rapists. I don’t have a kind word for them when they go around exploiting innocent kids and women yet some go Scotfree while others receive penalties unbefiting them. we need to stand up and put this to a stop once and for all. absence of a wife shouldnt turn you into a sexual prey.
ever heard of self control???