Lazarus (Laz for short) sat on the three sitter in their sitting-room playing video game. The room was furnished quite to the taste of his father. There were other sofas’ in the room, two sitters and another three sitters that formed a `C’ shape in the room.
Most foolishly on the wall, was a structure which wasn’t supposed to be hung there. A basket which contained things that should be on a dressing table inside a living-room – when a picture frame or so was supposed to be on the wall. It looked absurd where it hung but that was still more understandable to the shoe rack at another part of the wall.
Though these were appealing to his father’s observation and beauty but to any man from a foreign land or, quite let us say, a wealthy man from the Lekki or VGC – would think it bush-like, but truly, it was what the man felt was good for the place he lived in, a barracks.
He had been playing his Master League with his favourite team Chelsea and had bought many players. His game was with his own invention connected to the back of their TV, with the console la!d on the sofa some 4ft away. Only God knows what sort of AV wire could have been as long as that. The moment he scored a goal and was jubilant.
“Ha, ha ha! Una father!” referring to the computer he was playing against. Evident that, he might have been repeating that same match for the forth time – due to continuous bashing by the computer team. But his jubilation was cut short by the NEPA, who took the light.
“Arh God! Which kind weyrey be them this NEPA self.” Rising up angrily and almost smashing the Analog-pad on the floor, but he smashed it rather on the sofa. It bounced Boom! Toom! and stopped.
He went out of the room to check if there was fuel in the power generating set (Generator) but there was none. He was completely `red-faced’. He had wanted to play that match, the UEFA champions League Final he was playing against Barcelona but now there was no hope except the NEPA brought back the light (electricity) or till evening when he’d get fuel for the Generator.
He walked to the wide balcony one would find at every barracks’ building and emptied his bladder. He glanced at his watch and it was still very early in the afternoon, 1:25pm.
If it had been a bit late, he would have gone to visit Lamah, his friend whose house was some few blocks away from his. It was sure Lamah’s house would have electricity. Only God knows what source they got theirs from!.
He went back inside and lay on the sofa, staring intently into the concrete ceiling. It was just some few days and he would be in his SS1. He wondered what drama would happen this time in their new class.
Smiles started appearing on his face as he remembered the time they had just been admitted into the JSS1. The very Sh1tting Festival week in school came back to his memory in full tape.
“Good morning everyone” the Intro Tech teacher, Mr. Alade had welcomed them into the Seconday School. He had talked at length and finally broke the news to the student on their conduct.
“Anytime a teacher is in your class and you want to excuse yourself, just raise your hand, give the reason and if it is genuine, – you would be allowed to go out of the class”
The first people, he remembered, were the Guinea siblings, Umar and Aishat. They were the ones that opened the Sh1tting Festival that week all because they couldn’t ask for excuse.
“Umar eh! I dey purge o!” Aishat said in Guinea language.
“You mean am?” He asked his sister in their language.
“Allah! I mean am o, e don dey near my pant. My stomach just dey ring gulu gullum,” still in Guinea language.
“Arh, wetin you go do now?” He asked her, knowing fully well there was a teacher in their presence.
“Mehn, I go `hole’ (hold) am!” She replied, sweats already lingering her face.
Some few minutes Later.
“Hei!!” Umar exclaimed “me self don dey purge o!” He told his sister who also had earlier complained she was purging.
“Try `hole’ am abeg, try your best” she advised.
Lazarus was seated at the front seat and having heard their conversation turned back at once, his eyes wide open as though they were exclamation.
“Hei! ehn!! Wait wait wait! Wetin una talk now now now?”
He didn’t get any reply from the siblings. Though their seat was well close to the back yet their voices were not low.
“You mean sh1t?” His eyes still wide open, they bulged out off their sockets.
“hahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha! Omo, blood is thicker than water o!. So you mean two of una dey purge at the same time like this like this?”
“I wonder,………….mmmmmmmmmm!” He wanted to say `I wonder may be una go sh1t at the same time’ but the smell that ooze out from their direction sent the words back into his mouth as he exclaimed holding his nose “hmmmmmmmmm!”
The smell filled the classroom, even the teacher dropped his chalk and raced out, – the students also scampered for their lives, leaving the siblings in shame, complete shame!.
The next day of the Sh1tting Festival was Fatimah’s turn.
He saw her sweating on her seat.
“Come Friday, wetin fit dey make this girl dey sweat like this? When she no even dey inside oven!” He asked his sitting partner, Friday.
“Guy me no know o!” Friday replied and faced his mathematics classwork.
The next thing he saw was Fatimah racing out of the class. This time, her fair complexion face had turned completely blood-shot red. The sweats fell continuously as she raced.
“Omo guy, I dey come first, make I see wetin they make this babe run inside sweat like this” he said and tried following her trail but couldn’t see her anymore.
“Hanha! Come o! Shey this girl dey use Juju ni?” He asked no one in particular.
“Lazarus, please can you tell Fat Mariam, Fatimah is calling her at the staircase?” One JSS2 students had said, seeing him stand at the entrance of their classroom and walked away.
“Mariam!” He called peeping into the class. “Fatimah dey call you for Stairs o”
Fat Mariam came out of the class and was walking towards the staircase.
“Omo, I must find out wetin this girl dey sweat for and why she dey call her friend” he soliloquized and walked stealthily following Mariam.
As he saw Mariam descending the stairs, he hid very close to a class beside the stairs, trying to listen to their conversation.
“Mariam, I have messed up my body” Fatimah said almost in tears – to her friend in Guinea language. But rather Mariam replied her in english, which made Laz find out what had happened.
“You mean, you’ve Poopooed on your body?” Mariam asked nonplussed.
Lazarus didn’t even wait any longer, he came out of his hiding and `busted’ into laughter.
“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Fatimah don cast o. You sh1t for body come hide for staircase. Class must hear this one o.”
He had ran to the classroom, even with plead from both friends, he didn’t wait.
“Omo, Fatimah don cast o. She sh1t for body go hide for stairs dey speak Guinea” he ridiculed, laughing.
The whole class busted out laughing.
“Come, why be say na this Guinea people just dey sh1t sh1t for body this days?” Amos asked in between laughter and the laughter in the class intensified.
That week seemed to be all out with the Sh1tting week but the last day of school that week didn’t want to stand out without giving the Sh1tting Festival, a befitting closing Ceremony.
They had been receiving the last lectures, which was equally the last period. They were supposed to close by 1pm that day, since it was a Friday but the French teacher had said there would be a delay.
“As you can all see, you won’t be going home today except you ask me some likely questions you think might come out in your French exam on Tuesday.”
“Arh!,……..Oh!!” The whole class exclaimed and grumbled.
Tony was seated close to Lazarus as it was a combined class, on the first row at the front seat.
“Omo Laz, as I dey like this, I dey purge!” he said cleaning the sweat on his face.
“Ha ha ha, you better ask for excuse now before e go worst” laz advised.
“Guy you funny o! How I go take ask that kind excuse?. Omo, I go `hole'(hold) am till we finish this revision” he assured Laz who nodded and concentrated on his On Y Va (methode de francias) his french textbook and workbook.
“Excuse me sir!” Daniel O. raised his hand and the whole classes’ eyes went his direction.
“Yes! OJuade Daniel, ask your question” Mr. Oriyomi acknowledged he heard him and saw his hand, raised.
“Thank you sir” he said and stood up, holding his school bag he had placed on his legs slightly. “I just want to ask you, `HOW DO I SAY YOU ARE MAD IN FRENCH?’”
The whole class busted out laughing as Mr. Oriyomi replied him.
“Go and ask your father and mother that question!. Your father must be the one that is mad, not me” he cursed.
The laughter that erupted the class was more than the eruption of a volcano. It was thunderous.
“But sir,……,” Daniel tried to protest.
“You are such an Idiotic fool, bombastic animal” Mr. Oriyomi raised in fury. He picked up his cane and wanted to flog Daniel but he decided the whole class was to be flogged.
He went out of the class to bring more canes shutting the door behind the student.
The class became rowdy and the fearful ones were starting to cry, raining curses at Daniel and exchanging sitting positions.
“Guy!” Laz called Tony “you no go go back? You wey sh1t dey `hole’” he advised him.
“Abeg forget am abeg, him cane no fit destabilize me” Tony boasted wiping the sweat on his face. “I go come dey fear and run because of cane. When I no be small pikin”
May be Tony had thought the flogging won’t start from his row or may be he was really sure of himself – that Mr. Oris cane couldn’t destabilize him, wasn’t really known by Laz.
He, in no moment, waved Tony’s words about purging away, thinking with the way he now boasted, he might just have made joke when truly he wasn’t purging.
Mr. Oris walked in and straight he went into the middle of the classroom calling the first person seated on the right row out, – which happened to be Tony.
“Hey you, fall out here!” He commanded. “You should all get ready one after the other”
Tony’s walk now showed what was wrong with him.
“Hold that desk” that Mr. Oris said which made him start shaking.
“Are you mad?” Mr. Oris said using the cane to draw Tony to bend on the desk. The first stroke that landed on his back came with the anger Mr. Oris had welled up with just the 6 seconds delay Tony made.
‘Prrrrrrrrruu pupu pka pka, Ffffffiuuuuuuu’ was the noise that came out of Tony’s trousers.
“Hei!!!” Laz exclaimed loudly not minding Mr. Oriyomi’s fury. “Na cane be that?”
“What is this I see coming beneath your trousers?” Mr. Oriyomi asked seeing the brownish-yellow liquid coming down Tony’s trousers. His anger seemed to have gone sabbatical.
No reply came from Tony, his head was bent in shame. “Goodbye” Mr. Oriyomi said and left the class, holding his nose.
You could imagine the ridicule laz mad Tony undergo that day.
“Hahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha. My guy boast say cane no fit destabilize am!”
“Tony the sh1t man! Mr oriyomi distablise him sh1t holding capacity with cane.”
The whole class, that had been enveloped in fear of cane – were now laughing profusely.
“Now you go know say sh1t no get barrier”
Laz couldn’t stop laughing where he lay. How he wouldn’t laugh remembering those scenario would have been a surprise.
Another one came into his memory. Polycarp Aloysious.
“Guy, why you no dey everly go for break?” He asked Polycarp sitting on his desk. He was just coming from break and held a bottle of 7up and a nylon which contained doughnuts.
“You go give me money? Abi you go buy food for me?” Polycarp asked defiantly.
That was the moment Miss Iton, their English teacher walked into the classroom.
“Where is Polycarp?” She asked with the classroom almost deserted, about 80% had gone for break.
One would wonder, why can’t she wait till the break was over before coming to ask of him? But it seems she knew he doesn’t go for break.
“Ma!!” He replied standing up and looking over Laz to see clearly, Miss Iton.
“I was wondering how your 80leaves English exercise book had suddenly gone 20leaves!”
“Ma! Ma! Ma!” He muttered trying to explain himself but Lazarus cut him shut.
“Excuse me ma, the guy no dey go break.”
“How do you mean e no dey go break?” she became confused with what she was even meant to speak. Combining English plus Pidgin!.
“I just notice say na paper him dey chop for lunch” he attacked Polycarp “I just catch am now now now dey chop paper for lunch”
“Really?” Miss Iton exclaimed
“Nothing like really ma! He dey turn 80 leaves to 20 magically.”
The English teacher couldn’t utter a word again, she went out laughing at the way the clown had just revealed Polycarp.
To Be Continued…