Dial - Season 1 - Episode 105

4 years ago

Dial - Season 1 - Episode 105

I reached out my hands, just like I always did when I needed support through a difficult time. From my infancy to my adulthood he would always be at the other side, just opposite me, and he would reach out, and take my hands. His strong calloused hands, a real man’s hands, and he would hold mine gently, and then he would say:
“Hey, Sonny, I got you covered.”

But this night, in this darkness, no hands touched mine, no deep voice spoke.
He was gone. My Pappy was gone.
“Oh, Pappy!” I whispered tremulously. “Sonny needs you. I need your love. I need your strength…but, most importantly, I just need my father back, oh Lord!”

My heart broke at that moment, I guess.
My legs shook, and I sank slowly to my knees, just like I always did, and his hands would still be holding mine – his strong, calloused man’s hands – and I would lean my face against him, and then he would place his hands around my shoulders, and right there and then his love would give me strength.
But, tonight, in the darkness, he wasn’t there. I held nothing, and I saw nothing…and yet I knew, somehow, that he was around in here somewhere.

“Life has not been really good without you, Pappy!” I whispered, still on my knees, my tears hot on my cheeks. “I mean, we never really had anybody. It was you and me, yeah, the baddest musketeers against the czar. I listened to you, you know. I’ve never trusted anybody! I was scared those girls were going to hurt me, and I did what you always said, Pappy.

I followed the Heart Code, Pappy. Better to be loved, than to love! I didn’t allow any girl around my heart, no. But I met a girl, Pappy, who just wouldn’t let me use the Code. Dede, yeah. I guess you saw her around, but I messed up. I messed up big time, Pappy! You see, I never could love her properly, or any of them…because I don’t know what love really is! I screwed them before they screwed me, like you always said, and I slammed them down on a d--n list, to let them know who the boss is!”

My fists sank slowly into the floor of his bedroom as the pain ripped through my heart.
“I know you know what went down, Pappy,” I continued softly. “I guess, in teaching me to be a man, I lost my heart somewhere along the line. Even that girl I thought I loved, Dede…I haven’t thought about her the whole day. Seems to me that in making me a man, you turned my heart to stone, Pappy.

This man from Wowo, he wanted me to feel remorse for s------g up those girls, yeah. But how could I feel remorse when I don’t have a heart, Pappy? Women are the enemy, remember? You told me that, drummed it into me! They would lie with those soft lips and those voluptuous bodies, take the best part of me and then spit me out like a used sanitary pad, yeah!

I saw what you went through! I’ve tried to feel sorry for my actions, Pappy, but I couldn’t! I don’t give one hoot about what I did to those girls because love is always conditional, just as you taught me! It was them, or me! But that’s something the Wowo bastard doesn’t understand, I guess.”

I sat down on the floor of my father’s room, and then I felt the cold wind on my face, as if something cold had drafted across my face. Just for a moment – a very brief moment – I thought I heard a faint passing of wind, like a whisper, but it was gone as quickly as I felt it.
“He cursed me, Pappy!” I continued slowly. “Said I’m going to grow old with more experience and die of old age. Bollocks! He doesn’t know sh*t! Who needs a bloody heart when a heart could be broken, Pappy? Unconditional love is a piece of fart, yeah, just like you said! Those girls, given half a chance, would’ve rather taken my money and flushed me down the toilet, a-----e biyaaatches! But yes, that man didn’t understand, because his daughter died. And now I’m going to die, Pappy.”

I fell silent for a long time as the pain lodged in my throat, and the tears reduced to a trickle. I took a shuddering breath.

“I’ve never known happiness since you left, Pappy,” I whispered. “Make money, drink booze, skank girls…but no happiness. So, it’s okay if I’m going to die. I mean, it’ll bring me where you are, and we’ll be together again, and so I’m not scared now. Yeah, I will be with my Pappy, and I wouldn’t have to fear no sh*t from any Wowo shit*y bastard ’cause my Pappy always got me covered!